4 Ways To Stop People-Pleasing And Develop Healthier Relationships With Yourself And Others
It’s so easy to fall into the cycle of constantly saying ‘yes’ to everything and everyone. That’s not sustainable to do, especially if you’re sacrificing your own wants or needs in the process. Saying ‘no’ can be SO hard in general. Saying ‘no’ to close friends and family is even harder. But, overcommitting to the point of being exhausted, unhappy, or just not aligning with what you’re committing to isn’t healthy.
People-pleasing can take a real toll on your mental and emotional wellness. So it’s important to set boundaries and break the cycle. You’ll have less anxiety, healthier relationships, more confidence in yourself, and overall just be happier because you’ll have the time and mental capacity to do things for YOU.
Breaking the cycle is easier said than done. But, having a few practices will help you do just that.
Figure Out Your True Values
Be sure to understand what’s really important to you and what you truly value. You should only be saying ‘yes’ to people and things that you align with in some way. Lay it all out and write it down if you need to. What matters to you? What are your priorities in life? What makes you happy and excited? Everything you say ‘yes’ to should fall under this umbrella of values.
Of course, it’s important to help and support our friends and family when they need it - but you have to make sure that you don't sacrifice your own needs in return. If something is causing you anxiety or dread, but your values are to be happy mentally and emotionally, you have to say ‘no’.
Set Clear Boundaries
Be very clear on what your boundaries are - don’t make them all up as you go. Have a list of boundaries that you can think of right now that you don’t want crossed. Set limits on who you give your energy to, how much energy you give, how much time you give, and what types of activities you absolutely will NOT do.
Don’t just hold other people to these boundaries, hold yourself to them as well. You’re the one that has the power to stop saying ‘yes’ to people, so you need to make sure you’re upholding your own boundaries for yourself.
Communicate And Say No
This goes hand-in-hand with setting boundaries. Being able to communicate your feelings and say ‘no’ to people is going to be the key. Try coming up with different ways you can say ‘no’ to people. Think of a few different scenarios you think you may experience where you know you will want to say ‘no’. Then, come up with a script or outline of exactly how you will say no, if saying ‘no’ tends to be hard for you.
You can do this in a respectful and nice way while still being up-front. Don’t beat around the bush or make excuses. Just explain exactly what you feel and don’t sugar coat it or apologize. Your feelings are valid and the people that respect you will respect your choice.
Try Positive Self-Talk
Practicing self-compassion in these situations is extremely important. Try to look at the situations you are in objectively and stand by your decisions to say ‘no’ to people. It’s not going to be easy, but you shouldn’t feel bad for feeling the way you feel, and putting yourself first.
Write a letter to yourself or list a few different points that you can refer to when you feel like you want to say ‘no’ to someone or something, but know you will feel bad about it. Refer back to this whenever you are struggling with standing by your decision to put yourself first. Include things like: why your time is important, why it’s important to align with everything you say yes to, how saying ‘yes’ will hurt you or set you back, why you shouldn’t take it personally, how you benefit from saying ‘no’. This should be a firm reminder to yourself why you are focusing on yourself.
People-pleasing is extremely common, but it can really take a toll on your mental and emotional health. You don’t need to be a “yes-man” and overcommit or commit to things you don’t align with. You also shouldn’t apologize for how you feel and for wanting to prioritize yourself. Breaking the people-pleasing cycle is a form of self-care. Your life and happiness will drastically improve when you stop sacrificing your wants and needs for everyone elses’.
